There is hot debate raging in Toronto right now is about a couple who are keeping the gender of their third child secret to protect the baby from the really overwhelming societal pressures surrounding gender as well as from harmful gender stereotyping. They are also raising two sons, a five year old and a two year old, "to challenge how they’re expected to look and act based on their sex" which has led them to keep their hair long, wear dresses and prefer pink and purple.
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| George Fayne, tom-boy to Nancy Drew's titian haired sleuth and Bess Marvin's "pleasantly plump" cousin. |
I think that there is a ridiculous amount of emphasis placed on gender in our society, and that the pressures that stem from that emphasis can lead to all kinds of really fucked up problems from bullying to eating disorders to rape to suicide. And, this is not to mention the severe issues that trans-gendered people face everyday, every step of the way; or the struggles that gay, lesbian and bisexual people have with gender expectations and the possible fall-outs.
I think that any discussion regarding gender constructs in our society is a very good thing and should be encouraged. I think that we all, parents, child-free people, policy-makers, educators, everyone has a responsibility to have conversations about challenging gender stereotypes. I think that it is pretty fucked up that when a baby is born the first question is if it's a boy or a girl.
So, I can totally see where Witterick and Stocker are coming from when they say that they want to give their children some space from that pressure; that they want to give them the freedom to choose how they want to present themselves to the world. In choosing not to reveal the sex (gender and sex seem to be interchangeable in the original article and even for the parents themselves which kinda implies that maybe they shouldn't be talking about gender to begin with) of their baby, they are making a stand against society's demands for babies to be defined first and foremost by their sex; and really, I have no qualms about it.
Jazz was old enough for school last September, but chose to stay home. “When we would go and visit programs, people — children and adults — would immediately react with Jazz over his gender,” says Witterick, adding the conversation would gravitate to his choice of pink or his hairstyle.That’s mostly why he doesn’t want to go to school. When asked if it upsets him, he nods, but doesn’t say more.
Does it suck that adults would take issue with a small child's choice of dress and hairstyle? His favourite colour? Fuck yeah, it really does. There is no excuse for making a person feel bad about their personal choices (barring them somehow harming others) ever. Ever, ever. And, there is certainly no excuse for allowing children to follow your example and be rude themselves. While I can understand the desire to protect a child from taunts and jeers and having their feelings hurt, keeping Jazz from school and from social situations only reinforces his 'otherness'. He misses out on socialization, on the freedom to really decide who he is.
But, what really sticks in my craw is that here is a middle-class, cis-sexual, white married couple whining about gender and how discriminated against their long-haired sons are, while they are (seemingly, according to the article) not actively engaging in any sort of gender-activist community, and while they are setting their children up as different from other children (never mind that long-haired boys who like to dress up in girl's clothes and wear nail-polish really aren't all that alternative). Throwing your kids out there under the bus as a social experiment while you act out the usual stay-at-home mum/bread-winner dad thing, is really problematic. I mean, if gender is such a big bad thing (as it often can be) then why aren't they leading by example and going gender-neutral themselves?
Having a discussion with children about stereotypes and gender and sex is super important. The importance of creating a safe home environment where they can explore their sexuality, gender identity and develop strong senses of self cannot be overstated. Encouraging critical thinking and media literacy is as essential as learning to spell. Teaching children that they freaks because they wear pink and their hair in braids, not so much.