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| Orson says relax |
100. Gaston -- Uh, he eats FIVE DOZEN EGGS EVERYDAY. 'Nough said. And, so what he didn't get the girl, he's got a cleft in his chin, he can snap a leather belt with his neck and then CHEW IT and check out the racks on the chicks at :29. Eat your heart out, Belle! Side-note, what does "taking his lumps" mean? It sounds disgusting!
99. Dr Travis -- Richard Gere brought such realism to the role of the title gynecologist of Dr T and the Women that I actually felt the icy cold speculum. An important role because, aside from the fact that Dr Travis gets to look at vaginas for a living (cool!), the whole movie is like an allusion to the straight man's existence -- always surrounded by crazy, blond lesbians.
98. John Kimble -- Apart from coining quite possibly the greatest retort ever known to someone who suggests that one has a tumour, Kindergarten Cop was the perfect role model for which all little boys to aspire not to mention a total babe-magnet, he's good with kids, he's got big muscles and he peppers his stilted speech with quippy comments. Men, take note!
97. Father -- He may not have had much screen time but, shit yo, did the father in Lady and the Tramp ever rock every scene he was in! Fun fact: he was on Robert Wagner's yacht when Natalie Wood disappeared.
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| His nickname on set was "Legs", but not for the reason you'd think.... |
96. The Bat -- Never before and probably never again will we ever see such a fully realized bat character as the bat in Devil Bat. Was he evil? Was he misunderstood? Did he just want to get his kids back? We'll never know...
95. Tripp -- Where is Matthew McConaughey these days? And, more importantly, where are his bongo drums? Am I alone in missing those heady days of the mid-aughts when movies about guys who still have their mum wash their American Eagle "Crab Shack" graphic t-shirts was something to laugh at, not the outcome of the worst economic recession since the "Dirty Thirties" (not the Depression but when American Eagle had to discontinue their casually racist "Dirty Thirties" graphic t-shirt)? When McConaughey was king and held the world record for most consecutive days shirt-less (687!!)? Time machine where are you already! I want to go back to the time of Failure to Launch and watch it in the theatre enough times that the studios would have to make a sequel! Haha, wishful thinking I know! I'm gonna make a Facebook campaign!
(There is no soundtrack to this incredible McCona-toge but might I recommend
Dolly Parton's Red Hot Screaming Love?)
94. Emperor Kuzco -- Not Emperor's New Groove Kuzco (god help me...) but Kronk's New Groove Kuzco -- let's face it David Spade really shines when he is the side-kick; less is more lil' buddy, less is more! What's not to love about Kuzco (of Kronk's New Groove)? He's out there helping his friend and... he's an emperor and he's got a cool looking hat... Was thought to be Spade's magnum opus until he had to go and raise the bar for commercials with this 7 Up ad, in fact the only thing that could possibly have made it better is if instead of live-action Spade, the commercial featured top-100-greatest-male-character-of-all-freaking-time Kuzco.
93. Charlie Nash -- I loved Chris Klein in Mamma Mia Audition Tape and laughed for ten years straight when he fucked that apple pie, but dude pulled out all the stops in his turn as the street-wise fighter in Street Fighter, Legend of Chun Li. Unlike any character ever seen outside of a Nic Cage film, Klein brings to Charlie Nash that raw, unbridled rage that nobody knew existed (outside of uber-bot Katie Holmes' hard-drive). Passionate yet fair and totally bad-ass, Nash is the everyman no man is.
92. The Wild Snow Mongoose Pup #3 -- From the very first distress bark, to the measured look of hopelessness, fear of abandoment and veiled eroticism as Steve Zissou cradled him in his arms, that wild snow mongoose pup had me like the guy who loads the equipement into a van after a Nickleback concert. Not a very long role (god, if only Wes Anderson put as much effort into his human male characters!), but one that will live on in cinema until the end of time. Who would have ever imagined that the squirrel playing him, Ruprict Huntington-Oxley, was so fucked up on cocaine that he thought a mop propped in the corner was Owen Wilson the whole shoot? No judgement, his wife had just left him for the weasel from Along Came Polly -- the one that played Hank Azaria's chest-hair.
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| Ruprict Huntington-Oxley out waterskiing (shirtless!) with Matthew McConaughney |
Chills! I got chills! Someone, for chrissakes, get this merman an Oscar!
Until next time, friends. Happy St. Patrick's Day, may your beer filleth your bladders,.